“You’re overreacting.” “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” “You’re too sensitive.”

Most people have heard or even said one of the above phrases during an argument. While the intention might be to calm the situation, it often has the opposite effect. When a partner feels dismissed or misunderstood, chances are they are going to become either defensive, escalate their emotions, or withdraw altogether. In these instances, one of the most powerful skills couples can use is emotional validation. Validation is often misunderstood as simply agreeing with your partner no matter what or admitting you were wrong. In reality, validation is a lot simpler and much more impactful. It is simply communicating that your partner’s emotional experience makes sense, even if you see the situation or argument differently.

What Is Validation?

Validation is the simple act of acknowledging and accepting another person’s emotional experience without judgement. Simply put, it is saying “I can understand why you feel that way” rather than trying to convince them to feel something different. Validation does not require you to agree with your partner’s interpretation of events, accept blame, think your own feelings are less important, or believe that your partner’s behavior was appropriate. It just means you are recognizing that emotions are real and understandable based on your partner’s perspective, experience, or needs.

For example, imagine that you forgot to tell your partner you would be home late and they are now upset because they were worried something had happened. An invalidating response looks like: “You knew it’s a busy week at work. You’re making this a bigger deal than it is.” In comparison, a validating response could be “I can understand why you were worried. If I thought you would be home at a certain time and you weren’t, I would probably get worried too.” Mind you, at no point in that latter statement is there an admittance of fault. It is simply acknowledging the partner’s emotional experience.

Why Validation Matters

When partners feel understood, their nervous system begins to settle, so that they don’t feel the need to argue harder or defend themselves. Validation is the first step in creating emotional safety, which allows couples to move towards problem solving. Ironically, partners are a lot more willing to hear the other’s perspective once they feel understood. Validation isn’t the end of the conversation but rather what makes a productive conversation possible.

Validation Is Different From Agreement

This is where many couples get stuck. Imagine that your partner says “I felt hurt when you laughed as I was telling you about my bad day at work.” Your immediate thought might be I wasn’t laughing at you! I was reacting to something else!” Both of these things can be true, and you can validate the emotion without agreeing with the interpretation. For example, “I wasn’t laughing about your day, but I absolutely understand why it felt hurtful in the moment.” This response both protects your reality and provides your partner with empathy.

Validation Does Not Mean Accepting Harmful Behavior

Sometimes, emotions can lead to behaviors that are not healthy, such as yelling, insulting, or becoming disrespectful. You can still validate your partner’s feelings while also setting boundaries around the behavior. For example, “I understand that you are angry and your feelings make sense. However, I need us to speak respectfully to one another so we can work through this together.” Notice the use of the word “us” rather than “you” to prevent defensiveness (more on that here). Simply put, you can validate the feeling while still setting boundaries around the behavior.

How to Practice Validation

Validation starts with listening to understand your partner rather than listening to respond. Instead of immediately offering solutions, correcting details, or leaning into defensiveness, try slowing down and becoming curious. You could ask: “Can you help me understand what that felt like for you?” “What part of this has been the hardest?” or “Did I understand correctly that you felt overlooked?” After listening to your partner, reflect back what you heard before offering your perspective. Simple phrases such as:”That makes sense.” “I can see why you would feel that way.” “Thank you for telling me.” or “I hadn’t looked at it from that perspective.” can communicate to your partner that their emotions are worthy of attention.

Remember That Validation Goes Both Ways

Validation is not a one-way street, and healthy relationships involve both people learning to understand one another’s emotional experiences. There are going to be times when you need validation just as much as your partner does, and the more consistently you and your partner practice this skill, the more emotionally safe the relationship will become.

Emotional validation is not going to eliminate conflict. But it does change the way that couples move through it. When partners feel heard and understood, disagreements become opportunities for connection rather than battles to be won. Understanding your partner’s emotions does not require you to agree, but rather your empathy, curiosity, and willingness to see the world through their eyes, even if only for a moment.