Cheating is one of the most emotionally charged topics in any relationship, yet its definition isn’t always as clear-cut as it might seem. What one person considers a betrayal may not be the same for another. That’s why having an open, honest discussion about what counts as cheating, setting boundaries, and reviewing expectations is critical for building a strong, trusting relationship. Here’s how to navigate this potentially tricky conversation with your partner.

Define Cheating Together

Cheating can take many forms, and its definition can vary from one person to another. Physical infidelity, emotional affairs, or online interactions may all fall under the category of cheating, but where the line is drawn depends on the individuals in the relationship. Start by acknowledging differences by asking “what do you consider cheating?” This helps surface any assumptions or unspoken expectations you might have. Some may only consider physical intimacy cheating, while others see emotional connections outside the relationship as equally hurtful, so make sure to discuss both. 

Additionally, in today’s digital age, actions like sexting, following certain accounts, or engaging in flirtatious DMs are worth discussing. Decide together what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Defining cheating as a team ensures that both partners understand and agree on the boundaries. Keep in mind that you don’t have to fully agree with each other, you just have to decide what counts as cheating within the bounds of your relationship.

Discuss the Role of Intent and Impact

Sometimes actions may not be intended as cheating but still feel hurtful or disrespectful to one partner. For example, a friendly hug might seem innocent to one person but feel overly intimate to the other. For intent, simply ask “does intention matter in defining cheating for us?” When it comes to impact, share how certain actions, even those without ill intent, might affect your sense of security and trust in the relationship. It can be helpful to give examples and use hypothetical scenarios to clarify your boundaries, such as: “If you danced with someone at a party, would that be okay? What if it went further?” By addressing intent and impact, you ensure that both perspectives are respected and validated.

Set Boundaries Clearly

Boundaries are the guardrails that help protect the relationship and prevent misunderstandings. These guidelines should feel reasonable and mutually agreed upon—not like rules imposed by one partner. Make sure to be specific as vague statements like “Don’t flirt with other people” can lead to confusion. Instead, clarify what counts as flirting—e.g., “No suggestive comments or behavior with someone outside the relationship.” Boundaries should work for both partners, so make sure each person feels comfortable and respected. Remember that life changes, and so do boundaries, so it’s important to check in periodically to ensure your agreements still feel appropriate. Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about creating a safe space where both partners can thrive.

Review Expectations Regularly

Even after boundaries are set, it’s important to revisit the conversation occasionally to ensure both partners are on the same page. People grow and change, and so do their needs in a relationship. Plan a time every few months to discuss how things are going. Ask, “Are there any areas where you feel our boundaries or expectations need adjusting?” Keep in mind that relationships evolve, and what felt like a hard boundary early on may feel different over time, or new issues may arise. Use these conversations as opportunities to strengthen your relationship, not to point fingers or place blame. Regularly reviewing expectations helps maintain a healthy, dynamic relationship built on trust and understanding.

Foster a Culture of Honesty

Setting boundaries is only effective if both partners commit to being honest about their actions and feelings. Encourage open communication and create an environment where you both feel safe sharing your needs and concerns. Don’t wait for big issues to arise, making time to check in often about how you’re feeling in the relationship. If you accidentally cross a boundary, own up to it immediately. Apologize sincerely and discuss how to prevent it in the future. This creates a relationship that appreciates transparency, where you can celebrate honesty and vulnerability, even when the truth is hard to hear. Honesty is the foundation of trust and helps both partners feel secure in the relationship.

Defining what counts as cheating, setting boundaries, and reviewing expectations are essential steps in creating a strong and lasting partnership. While these conversations can be difficult, they’re worth the effort to build trust, mutual respect, and a shared understanding of what it means to honor your commitment to each other. By approaching these discussions with honesty, empathy, and a willingness to listen, you and your partner can navigate potential challenges and create a relationship that feels secure, loving, and supportive.