Human relationships are complicated, often feeling like a dance of hormones, feelings, and actions. These patterns of interaction are often referred to as relational cycles. For the next several posts, we’re digging into the world of the XY Relational Cycle, exploring elements of each part of the cycle and how to navigate them effectively to build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The MetaPhase
Metaphase is a phase all about singles. If you are not in a romantic relationship, then you are in the MetaPhase. The term meta means to think about or refer back to oneself. MetaPhase is the practice of reorganizing and aligning relational thoughts, including metacognition (thinking about thinking) and meta communication (thinking about communication). Essentially, this phase is all about thinking what you need and want in a relationship, which is why it is so essential. If you don’t spend time thinking about what you need/want, you don’t know how to ask or look for it.
The Alignment Phase
The second phase in the XY Relational Cycle is where couples first enter. The Alignment Phase is all about the first few dates in a new relationship. Alignment is the practice of adjusting preferences and personality to better align with a potential romantic partner. The process helps couples connect initially but can lead to disconnection later in the relationship, starting with the Learning and Change Phase.
The Honeymoon Phase
In the third phase of the XY Relational Cycle, couples are starting to fall in love! In this phase, there is limited conflict, as the couple begins to develop patterns of communication and intimacy. Quite a few hormones flow around at the same time, creating an almost addiction to the new partner, and they can’t help but be around each other all of the time.
The Learning/Change Phase
This phase is where things get less fun and easy. During the Learning/Change Phase, those happy hormones decrease quite a bit, and as a result, arguments start to happen. Couples have to learn how to have conflict productively and efficiently, while making any necessary changes and adjustments to the relationship in order to make it viable.
The Domestic/Balance Phase
The fifth phase of the XY Relational Cycle is all about moving in together. Once a couple lives together, they are in the Domestic/Balance Phase, regardless of marital status or even if they completed the earlier phases. This phase is all about learning how to live together, to balance alone and together time, and negotiate regarding the division of household tasks and chores.
The Self-ConneXion Phase
Whether it be careers reaching retirement or becoming stable, kids becoming teens and moving out, or life in general slowing down a little, this phase is all about the focus switching from the couple to the individual. In the Self-ConneXion Phase, partners start to feel like they have lost themselves in the relationship, or in the family, and refocus their attention on becoming who they want to be. The key here is to grow together rather than apart.
The Secure Phase
The last phase in the XY Relational Cycle is the Secure Phase. In this phase, couples are where they need to be. They have the necessary communication and conflict skills, they are able to split their time and chores appropriately, and they grow together but still maintain a sense of self. In order to get to this phase, couples have either worked through all the phases completely, or they have had to go back and finish some phases they skimmed over, to feel secure in the relationship.
Conclusion
Relational cycles are a fundamental aspect of human connections, influencing the health and vitality of our relationships. Whether you’re single and wanting to find a partner you can successfully go through the cycle with, or a couple trying to figure out what phase you are in and how you can improve, the XY Relational Cycle is at the center of that. By understanding and actively engaging with the XY Relational Cycle, you can foster deeper, more fulfilling connections with those you care about most.