The Alignment Phase is a thrilling time filled with excitement, butterflies, and endless possibilities. During this phase, it’s normal to feel an intense connection with a new partner. However, there’s a fine line between healthy bonding and over-alignment. In this post, we’re  exploring what over-aligning means, why it can be problematic, and how to maintain a healthy balance between connection and sense of self in the Alignment Phase.

What is Over-Aligning?

Over-aligning in a new relationship refers to the act of becoming so absorbed in the new partner that there is a loss of sense of self. It involves prioritizing your new partner’s interests, hobbies, preferences, and desires over your own to an excessive degree, in which you pretend to be someone you’re not for the sake of being a better “match”. While it’s normal to want to make your new boo happy, over-aligning often leads to issues down the road, particularly in the Learning/Change Phase.

The Problem with Over-Aligning

• Loss of Identity: Over-aligning can cause you to lose touch with your own interests, values, and hobbies. You might find yourself doing activities solely to please your new partner, even if it doesn’t resonate with your true self.
• Unrealistic Expectations: When you over-align, it’s easy for your new partner to build unrealistic expectations about the relationship. They start to think that you will fulfill all their needs and enjoy all their hobbies, which can lead to disappointment and frustration in the future when you can no longer maintain the effort to like all of their things.
• Lack of Boundaries: Over-aligning often means ignoring personal boundaries, leading to a sense of vulnerability and discomfort. Healthy boundaries are essential for any relationship to thrive.

Maintaining a Healthy Balance

• Self-awareness: The first step to maintaining a healthy balance in a new relationship is self-awareness. Continuously check in with yourself to ensure you’re still pursuing your own interests and passions. Do you really like running or are you doing it just for them?
• Communication: Open and honest communication with your new partner is key. You don’t have to like everything that they like, diversity of interest makes a relationship exciting! 
• Prioritize Self-Care: Clearly define your personal boundaries and communicate them to your partner. Boundaries are not about keeping your partner at a distance but about respecting your individuality. Keep up with your hobbies, exercise routine, and social connections.
• Balance Time: While spending time with your new partner is essential, make sure you allocate time for your friends, family, and personal hobbies as well.

A new relationship is an exciting journey, but it’s essential to maintain a healthy sense of self throughout. If you find it challenging to strike a balance, consider seeking support from an XY ConneXion Coach who can help you navigate your emotions and relationship dynamics.