In every romantic relationship, disagreements and arguments are inevitable. They are a natural part of growing together and, when handled properly, can strengthen your conneXion. However, not every issue is worth turning into a full-blown argument. The Learning/Change Phase is the point in relationships where true conflict begins to arise, and knowing which battles to take on can make a significant difference in the well-being of your relationship.

Reflect on the Reason:

Before engaging in an argument, take a moment to reflect on the issue at hand. Who is really asking for this change? And why? Ask yourself if it’s truly significant in the grand scheme of your relationship. Take time to figure out if the change requested is about you or your partner’s personal preference or you or your partner’s need.

Reflect on the Importance:

Consider: Is this a hill I am willing to die on? Some issues, like core values and major life decisions, are worth discussing thoroughly. But for less crucial matters, like choosing a restaurant or one dish being left in the sink, it might be best to do a quick check-in or not even bring it up in the first place.

Consider the Long-Term Impact:

Is this act an accident or a habit? If your partner has made a one-time mistake, like being late to a date due to traffic or forgetting to do something they said they would, it may not be worth it to discuss, as long as the mistake is minor enough. If they continue to make that error over and over again, then it is no longer a mistake but a habit and may require a conversation.

Practice Effective Communication:

Healthy communication is the key to resolving conflicts. Instead of picking a fight, focus on how you can express your feelings, needs, and concerns without blaming or accusing your partner. Use “I feel (emotion) when (situation occurs)” statements to convey your emotions and encourage your partner to do the same. Try to avoid using the word “you”, which triggers defensiveness in your partner. For example, “I feel annoyed when you leave your s**t everywhere” vs. “I feel frustrated or overwhelmed when the table has a lot of stuff on it”.

Find Points of Negotiation:

Sometimes, arguments arise from a clash of preferences or expectations. Instead of digging your heels in, seek middle ground through negotiation. It’s often more productive and less emotionally draining than a full-blown argument. Keep in mind that X-Types tend to be over-compromising, to the point where they lose their sense of self, while Y-Types tend to be under-compromising, being set in their opinion and unwilling to meet their partner in the middle. Whatever side of Interactive Personality you fall on, checking in with your partner and yourself is essential.

Give Each Other Space:

In heated moments, it’s okay to take a step back. Taking a conflict pause to regulate your emotions and collect your thoughts can prevent a minor disagreement from escalating into a major conflict in which you both say things that you don’t mean. Just be sure to set a time to return to the discussion when you’re both in a calmer state of mind. If, at the end of that set time, you’re still feeling disregulated, simply check in with your partner and move to a later discussion time.

Choosing your battles wisely in a romantic relationship is an essential skill that can lead to greater happiness and harmony. Remember that disagreements are a natural part of any partnership, especially starting in the Learning/Change Phase, but not all issues are worth turning into arguments. By prioritizing effective communication, reflection, and negotiation, you can build a strong and resilient conneXion with your partner that withstands the test of time.