As we talked about last week, conflict is an inherent part of any relationship, and how we handle it can make a significant difference in the health and longevity of the connection. An intentional pause, called a conflict break, allows you and your partner to step back, cool off, and approach the issue with a clearer perspective. In this guide, we will explore the art of taking effective conflict breaks in relationships.

Recognize the Need for a Break

The first step in taking a conflict break is recognizing when you need one. This is easy to do with emotional regulation scaling. Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, in frustration, anger, or upset, at what point do you tend to snap or stonewall? This means that a conflict break is needed when you are one to two points before that number. Other signs that a pause may be beneficial include uncontrollable emotions, difficulty regulating physical sensations such as hand shaking or a fast heart rate, or a sense of feeling overwhelmed.

Communicate Your Intentions

Open and honest communication is crucial when it comes to conflict breaks, or else it comes across as stonewalling. Clearly express your intention to take a conflict break and reassure your partner that it is not an avoidance tactic but a strategy to ensure a more constructive resolution. Establish a timeframe for the break, whether it’s a few minutes, an hour, or longer, and commit to returning to the conversation at the agreed-upon time.

Meaningful Actions

When taking a break, physically remove yourself from the immediate conflict environment. The goal is to create a pause in the intensity of the conflict and allow emotions to settle. Regulate your emotions by taking a short walk, doing deep breathing exercises, listening to calming music, or engaging in a short mindfulness practice. Consider your emotions, thoughts, and triggers that contributed to the conflict. Identify what you need from the conversation and how you can express your concerns more effectively. 

Return to the Conversation with a Plan

Once the agreed-upon break time has elapsed, return to the conversation with a plan. If you are not regulated enough to continue, request another conflict break with a time frame. If you are ready to continue the discussion, be ready to communicate your thoughts, listen actively to your partner’s perspective, and work together toward a resolution. The break is not an escape route from the conflict but a strategic pause to ensure a more productive and respectful dialogue.

Taking conflict breaks require practice, communication, and a commitment to resolution. When used effectively, these breaks can transform conflict from a destructive force into an opportunity for growth and understanding in your relationship. Remember, the goal is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it in a way that strengthens the bond between you and your partner.