Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. However, just because two people love each other doesn’t mean they naturally communicate in the same way. Differences in body language, eye contact, tone, and how emotions are expressed can lead to misunderstandings. Learning how to align communication styles as a couple creates stronger emotional connection, reduces conflict, and fosters deeper understanding. Here’s how couples can work together to establish shared communication skills that work for both partners.

Identify Your Natural Communication Styles

Each person comes into a relationship with a unique communication style, often shaped by upbringing, past experiences, and personality. Some people are naturally expressive, using gestures and tone to emphasize their points, while others are more reserved, preferring calm and logical discussions.

To begin aligning communication, have an open conversation about:

• How you naturally express emotions (verbally or through actions).
• Whether you prefer direct or indirect communication.
• How you interpret body language and tone.
• Any past experiences that have influenced how you communicate.

This conversation helps both partners understand where the other is coming from and creates a foundation for compromise.

Discuss Eye Contact Preferences

Eye contact is a powerful form of nonverbal communication, but people have different levels of comfort with it. Some see sustained eye contact as a sign of attentiveness, while others find it intimidating or overwhelming. To find balance, discuss what makes each of you feel most comfortable. For example, if one partner prefers consistent eye contact but the other feels uneasy, agree on natural breaks rather than avoidance. If eye contact is too intense during emotional conversations, sitting side by side instead of face-to-face can create a more relaxed atmosphere. The goal is to create a dynamic where both partners feel heard and at ease.

Address Tone and Volume Differences

Tone and volume can significantly impact how words are received. A raised voice might feel like passion or enthusiasm to one partner but sound like anger to the other. Similarly, a soft-spoken tone might come across as calm or as disengagement. To align on tone, ask each other: How do you interpret a raised voice? What does a neutral tone sound like to you? How does sarcasm or humor factor into communication? By understanding each other’s perceptions, couples can adjust their tone to ensure they’re being received as intended.

Set Boundaries Around Body Language

Body language often conveys more than words. Crossed arms, turned-away posture, or lack of physical engagement can unintentionally signal disinterest or defensiveness. Talk about what body language feels supportive and what feels dismissive. For example, does physical touch (like holding hands or a reassuring gesture) help during tough conversations? Are certain postures perceived as closed-off or uninterested? How do you each show that you are actively listening? Making small adjustments, like leaning in slightly, nodding to show understanding, or using open posture, can make a big difference in making both partners feel validated.

Agree on Conflict Resolution Approaches

Conflict is inevitable, but the way couples handle it can either strengthen or weaken their bond. Some people prefer to address issues immediately, while others need time to process before engaging in a discussion. A productive conversation should cover: how long to wait before discussing an issue, what language will be used to communicate the need for a conflict break, and if written communication (like a message or letter) can be used when verbal discussions become too difficult. By setting ground rules, couples can prevent miscommunication and ensure that both partners feel respected during disagreements.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening is one of the most valuable skills a couple can develop. It means fully focusing on your partner’s words without preparing a response while they’re speaking. Ways to improve active listening include repeating back key points to confirm understanding, using phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…”, and avoiding interrupting or thinking about your response while the other person is talking. When both partners feel heard, they are more likely to approach conversations with openness rather than defensiveness.

Revisit and Adjust as Needed

Communication styles evolve as relationships grow. What worked in the early stages may need adjustments as life circumstances change. Set aside time periodically to check in with each other about how communication is going. Ask what’s working well? Are there any recurring misunderstandings? Are there any new preferences or needs that have developed? Agreeing on communication skills in a relationship isn’t about making one person conform to the other’s style—it’s about meeting in the middle to create a system that works for both partners.  By treating communication as a continuous, evolving practice, couples can ensure that their relationship remains strong and connected over time.