Your partner saunters over and tries to initiate sex (touches you, flirts, states what they want, etc.), but you’re not in the mood. It doesn’t seem like a difficult discussion, and it happens often enough. The chances of you and your partner being equally aroused at the same time all of the time is pretty unlikely. So yes, you’ve probably had this discussion a few times before, and most of the time it isn’t a discussion, but rather a statement. However, there is an art in refusing your partner’s desire in a way that creates connection rather than distance.
Please note: Every individual has the right to decline sexual advances, regardless of their reasons (and all reasons are valid). Simply being in a romantic relationship does not mean you are entitled to sex or required to have sex. If you or someone you know is in a situation that makes them feel unsafe, please get support at https://www.rainn.org/resources.
Honesty and Transparency
It is okay to establish clear boundaries around your own comfort level and willingness to engage in sexual activity. Start by being honest and transparent with your partner about your feelings and desires, which may include communicating why you’re not wanting to engage in intimacy (if you know why, sometimes you may just not want to). This could look like saying, “I don’t want sex right now, I’m not in that kind of mood.”
Express Empathy and Understanding
Acknowledge and normalize your partner’s desire for intimacy by letting them know that you value and appreciate their desire to connect in that way, while also respecting your own boundaries. Don’t blame or criticize them for their desires. A good example would be to say, “I really appreciate your interest in getting sexy with me.”
Reassure Your Partner
Take a moment to reassure your partner that your decision to decline sex is not a reflection of their attractiveness or desirability. Affirm your love and attraction to them while also honoring your own boundaries and needs. This could look like, “I do love getting naked with you though, with all your sexiness, so maybe we could check-in after a few hours?”
Offer Alternative Forms of Connection
Initiating sex is a bid for connection from your partner, and if you slam them down without a softer statement, it can lead them to feel rejected and unloved. If you’re not in the mood for sexual activity, offer alternative ways to connect and show affection to your partner. This could look like, “For right now, maybe we can cuddle/kiss/talk/etc. instead?”
To Sum It Up
Back to our original situation, your partner saunters over and tries to initiate sex. You’re not in the mood, but you want to maintain respect and affection with your partner, while creating mutual understanding. You can say: “I don’t want sex right now, I’m feeling tired. But thanks for your interest in spending sexy time with me. I do love having intimacy with you, though, so maybe we could come back to this tomorrow? In the meantime, I’d love to connect with you in a different way. Any ideas? I was thinking about some kissing.”
Intimacy is found in many ways in a relationship, from physical closeness to emotional connection. Using soft letdowns after intimacy requests prioritizes building and nurturing emotional intimacy in your relationship. You get to maintain the strong boundaries you deserve, while your partner is left feeling fulfilled with needs met.