The holidays are often filled with joy, laughter, and togetherness. However, they can also bring about tension, especially when one partner feels uncomfortable with something the other partner did, like drinking too much, overspending, or even ignoring family boundaries. It’s common for partners to have differing levels of tolerance for certain behaviors, but the important thing is how you handle these situations together. If you find yourself in a situation where one partner has behaved in a way that made the other uncomfortable, here are some steps you can take to address the issue constructively while maintaining a strong and supportive relationship.

Take a Moment to Reflect Before Reacting

It’s natural to feel upset or frustrated if your partner’s actions during the holidays cause discomfort. However, reacting in the heat of the moment can escalate the situation and make it harder to resolve. Instead, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself: Why do I feel uncomfortable with their behavior? Is it related to the behavior itself or my personal triggers? How does this issue affect our relationship? Understanding your own emotions first can help you approach the situation with a clearer mindset and avoid blame or judgment.

Talk About It Calmly and Respectfully

Once you’ve processed your own feelings, it’s time to have a calm conversation with your partner. Approach the topic in a way that doesn’t place blame, but rather expresses how you felt. Using “I feel _ when _” statements is an effective way to communicate your feelings without making your partner feel attacked. In particular, avoid using the blaming “you” or making generalizing and opinion-centered statements such as “always”, “never”, “too”, etc.

For example:

• “I felt uncomfortable when you drank too much at the party last night.” vs. “I felt uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol you drank last night due to the fact that it made me feel isolated.”
• “You always ignore the boundaries we discuss regarding my family, and that made me feel disrespected.” vs.  “I feel disrespected when pre-discussed boundaries regarding my family are ignored”.

By focusing on your emotions and experiences, you invite your partner to listen without feeling defensive. This helps foster understanding and opens the door for dialogue.

Listen to Your Partner’s Perspective

It’s equally important to listen to your partner’s side of the story. There may be underlying reasons for their behavior, such as stress, anxiety, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the holiday festivities. Perhaps they didn’t realize the extent to which their actions affected you, or they may feel guilty about their behavior. Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask questions like:

• “Can you share what was going on for you that night?”
• “What were you feeling when you had that extra drink?”
• “Was there something specific that made you act in that way?”

Listening actively helps your partner feel heard and valued, which can lead to more productive conversations about change or compromise.

Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations for the Future

Once you’ve shared your concerns and listened to each other, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and expectations moving forward. For the cases regarding substances, setting healthy boundaries may involve limiting alcohol consumption at future gatherings or agreeing on a specific number of drinks. For family interactions, it could involve discussing how you will handle future holiday events and set joint expectations for behavior. In regards to overspending, a conversation could be had regarding checking-in with a partner before making a bigger purchase. 

Rather than simply pointing out what went wrong, work as a team to find solutions to avoid a repeat of the uncomfortable situation. Teamwork is key—after all, both partners want to have a healthy and supportive relationship. Working together helps to ensure that the solution is fair and reasonable for both of you.

Be Ready for Apologies and Forgiveness

When your partner acknowledges their behavior and apologizes, be ready to accept their apology and offer forgiveness. Holding onto resentment can harm the relationship in the long run. On the other hand, if the conversation leads to unresolved issues, it’s important to acknowledge them as they arise and continue the dialogue. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, but it shows that you’re willing to move forward together. Remember, every relationship has bumps along the way, and being able to work through issues together is part of building a healthy partnership.

As you navigate difficult conversations about holiday behavior, offer your partner reassurance that you’re in this together. Reinforce your commitment to them and the relationship. For example, you might say, “I love you, and I want us to have a healthy, happy relationship. I just want us to be mindful of each other’s feelings, especially during stressful times like the holidays.” By showing empathy and compassion toward your partner, you encourage mutual respect and a stronger bond moving forward.

Consider Professional Support if Needed

If the issue is more significant (such as a recurring pattern of behavior) or if the conversation is particularly difficult, seeking help from a therapist can be a great option. A couples therapist can provide guidance on how to communicate more effectively and navigate sensitive topics like this in a healthy, constructive way. Therapy can also be helpful for addressing deeper issues related to substance use, stress management, or unresolved emotional challenges that may be affecting your partner’s behavior.

Holiday stress can sometimes bring out undesirable actions, and one partner’s behavior—whether it’s overindulgence in alcohol, poor judgment, or boundary-crossing—can lead to discomfort and conflict. However, by approaching the situation with understanding, respect, and a willingness to compromise, you and your partner can address the issue in a way that strengthens your relationship. Clear communication, setting boundaries, and working together as a team are key to moving forward in a positive direction and ensuring that the holidays remain a time of connection and joy for both of you.