Social anxiety is a vastly misunderstood mental health diagnosis. It is not just about being shy, but causes intense fear of judgement, embarrassment, or rejection in social situations. While the individual with social anxiety suffers with this diagnosis, it can also cause havoc for couples. Perhaps one partner craves social settings while the other dreads leaving the house. Or the partner with social anxiety avoids situations that the other partner enjoys. These misalignments can cause misunderstandings, conflict, and feelings of isolation for both partners. But, with a little help, couples can navigate social anxiety together, as one partner stands alongside the other with compassion, while also caring for their own needs.
Understand What Social Anxiety Really Is
Social anxiety doesn’t mean that those with the disorder dislike people. It is all about the fear of how one will be perceived by others. Someone with social anxiety often worries about saying the wrong thing, being judged excessively, or feels out of place. It’s not about avoidance or laziness, but genuine fear and panic. As a partner of someone with social anxiety, it is essential to understand the disorder itself, before providing support or judgement.
Listen Without Judgment
Those with social anxiety often feel embarrassed about their disorder, with internal pressures to “just get over it” when it is often outside of their control. When a partner with social anxiety shares their fears with you, it is important to first listen with empathy rather than jumping to solutions. Start by saying “I hear how stressful and scary this is for you. I am here to understand what I can do to help you feel supported”. This validates their feelings while also opening the door to work as a team.
Make Plans Together With Sensitivity
When it comes to social plans, the magic solution is always balance. Start by checking in with your partner with social anxiety beforehand, asking if they would feel okay going to an event with you. It’s okay to advocate for yourself when it’s really important to you that they come, but also let them know the events you would survive going alone to. If your partner agrees, create an exit strategy so they can leave or take a break if they need to. This could be a text under the table, or a physical communication like a squeeze on the shoulder. Making small adjustments can help your partner with social anxiety feel more in control of their safety, while also allowing you to meet your social needs.
Encourage, Don’t Pressure
As a partner, you naturally want your significant other to feel confident and comfortable in social spaces. It probably pains you to see them so scared or concerned. But pushing them too hard can backfire, often increasing their anxiety or making them feel misunderstood. A better approach is to encourage gradual steps, while celebrating the small victories using positive reinforcement. A simple “I know that my work party tonight was stressful for you, but I really appreciate that you came along with me”.
Respect Your Own Boundaries
Your partner having social anxiety does not mean that you don’t also have needs. You are allowed to attend events alone or with friends. In fact, this can take pressure off of your partner while also allowing you to maintain balance in your social life. A good strategy is to check-in with your partner on what events they want to come along to and which ones they would prefer you go to alone. Additionally, you are allowed to advocate to your partner that their social anxiety is negatively affecting your relationship (with love of course) and encourage them to explore individual therapy, group support, or coping skills such as mindfulness.
When your partner is struggling with social anxiety, your relationship can still thrive as long as both of you are willing to work together with compassion and honesty. If you are both understanding, good at listening, and create thoughtful compromises, you can easily navigate the challenges without letting the social anxiety define the relationship. You’re in this together.