In the last few years, our society has had an incredible transition to supporting and understanding mental health issues and illnesses. While this has increased access to treatment and help for those with mental health illnesses, it has had the unfortunate side effect of creating a trend of using mental health issues to justify toxic or unhealthy relationship patterns. In this blog post, we’ll explore and shed light on how mental health issues can sometimes be misused as a justification for avoiding essential aspects of healthy relationships.
Understanding Mental Health Challenges
Firstly, it’s crucial to acknowledge the real and often significant challenges that individuals with mental health conditions face. Conditions such as depression, anxiety, or PTSD can impact emotional regulation, communication, and overall relationship dynamics. Individuals with mental health conditions may experience limitations in certain aspects of relationship dynamics, and that’s perfectly valid. For example, someone with social anxiety may find it challenging to engage in large social gatherings. Recognizing and respecting these genuine limitations is an important aspect of fostering a supportive and understanding relationship.
The Fine Line: Excuse vs. Challenge
However, there exists a fine line between genuine mental health challenges and the misuse of mental health as an excuse. In some cases, individuals may use their mental health conditions as a shield to avoid engaging in healthy relationship patterns. This could manifest as avoiding communication, withdrawing from emotional intimacy, or neglecting responsibilities within the relationship.
Anxiety: “I can’t talk about this; it’s making my anxiety worse.” – For a person with anxiety, it is normal to have topics that create more anxiety than usual. However, you can’t stonewall your partner as a result (for information on stonewalling, check out our post here). Try using coping strategies such as breathing, talking while walking, or engaging in physical touch like handholding to get some oxytocin going. For the partner of someone with anxiety, try prefacing anxiety-provoking conversations with a warning or asking your partner when would be the best time to discuss it.
Depression: “I can’t listen to your issues or meet your needs; I have enough going on.” – For a partner with depression, it is common to have moments where you can’t take on one more thing. However, a healthy relationship means supporting one another, so it can’t be all the time that your partner isn’t allowed to share their experiences or ask you to meet their needs. For the partner of someone with depression, your partner may have needs based in their depression, but you have needs too and deserve to have them met. Try to compromise by “outsourcing” and getting support from friends and family when your partner is really having low moments.
ADHD: “You can’t expect me to remember my half of the house chores; I have ADHD” – For the person with ADHD, it absolutely affects your ability to remember tasks around the house. However, as an individual in a healthy relationship, it is your duty to learn skills to help you remember, such as setting reminders, adding it to the calendar, or using sticky notes. For the partner of someone with ADHD, you deserve a split of household tasks that work for you. You may need to help your partner to remember at first, but they need to be working to provide that reminder for themselves.
Mental Health Related Red Flags
In some cases, mental health illness related excuses can be red flags for unhealthy or toxic relationship patterns.
- Resistance to making positive changes or adopting healthier habits in the relationship, and using mental health as a reason for the resistance, may indicate a reluctance to actively contribute to the partnership’s growth and well-being.
- Every action or behavior being attributed solely to mental health without acknowledging personal responsibility. While mental health conditions may influence behavior, it’s essential to maintain accountability for actions within a relationship.
- Using mental health struggles as a means of manipulation, inducing guilt, or garnering sympathy to avoid accountability or responsibilities is a concerning behavior. This can create a dynamic where the partner feels compelled to excuse problematic actions due to mental health.
While mental health conditions can present genuine challenges in relationships, it’s essential to discern between authentic limitations and the misuse of mental health illness as an excuse to engage in unhealthy or toxic relationship patterns. With open communication, seeking professional guidance when necessary, and encouraging personal growth, couples can navigate the complexities of mental health while actively engaging in healthy relationship patterns. Balancing empathy with accountability is key to fostering relationships that support the well-being of both partners.