Relationships are a delicate combination of connection, communication, and compromise. Conflicts are going to happen, and how you and your partner handle them can significantly impact the health of your relationship. During arguments, you can easily become overwhelmed and feel the need to stop all communication, which is often done in one of two ways: stonewalling and conflict breaks. While both involve stepping back from the conflict, they serve different purposes and have distinct effects on relationships.

Stonewalling: The Silent Barrier

Coined by the Gottman Institute, stonewalling is a communication pattern where one partner withdraws from conflict completely, shutting down and becoming non-responsive. This can look like avoiding eye contact, giving short responses, or completely ignoring their partner. Stonewalling is often a defense mechanism, triggered by that feeling of overwhelm as you are flooded with emotions or feel stuck and unable to find a solution.

The problem with stonewalling is that it creates a communication barrier, leaving the other partner feeling dismissed, unheard, and frustrated. Over time, consistent stonewalling can erode the emotional connection between partners, leading to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. For this reason, it is often referred to as the “silent relationship killer”.

Taking a Conflict Break: A Strategic Timeout

Conflict breaks are a purposeful and agreed-upon strategy to de-escalate tension and create space for both partners to regain composure and emotional regulation. Unlike stonewalling, taking a conflict break involves setting clear boundaries and expectations, as well as increasing communication.

The intention behind taking a conflict break is to prevent the conversation from escalating into a more significant conflict. It allows each partner to regulate their emotions, collect their thoughts, and approach the issue with a clearer perspective. When done effectively, taking a break can be a healthy and constructive way to manage conflicts in a relationship.

Key Differences

• Communication:
  • Stonewalling: Involves a complete shutdown of communication.
  • Conflict Break: Involves a temporary pause in communication with a commitment to resume later.
• Intentions:
  • Stonewalling: Often a reactive response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded.
  • Conflict Break: A proactive strategy to prevent the conflict from escalating to the point of overwhelm and to promote constructive dialogue
• Impact on the Relationship:
  • Stonewalling: Can lead to emotional distance and the deterioration of the relationship.
  • Conflict Break: Promotes a healthier communication pattern and preserves the emotional connection.
• Resolution:
  • Stonewalling: Hinders conflict resolution as it impedes communication.
  • Conflict Break: Facilitates resolution by allowing both partners to approach the issue with a clearer mindset, which leads to better solutions.

In the complex landscape of relationships, conflicts are inevitable. The key lies in how you choose to navigate these conflicts. While stonewalling may be an instinctive response to overwhelming emotions, taking a conflict break is a more constructive approach. Next week, we will examine how to take a conflict break and avoid reaching the point of stonewalling.